Tiny Wedding but Mil Wants to Invite Whole Family

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(Closed) I want a small wedding ceremony simply my fiance has a HUGE family unit

posted 13 years ago in Etiquette

Mail # one

Member

138 posts

Blushing bee

• 13 years ago

• Nuptials: Baronial 2010

My fiance and I accept a very minor upkeep and nosotros take agreed to accept a small wedding consisting of only 50-70 people.

We were going to focus mostly on the food, considering we know that the food is what virtually guests remember.

We told my time to come Mother-in-law about our plans and she got angry. She said that everyone in the family unit has to exist invited. The trouble is that she has x brothers and sisters in total, and each of them has three or four kids who are in their twenties and thirties. My fiance has 38 cousins in total and xx aunts and uncles alone, and this is only immedate extended family. This does not include his mom's cousins, whom they also want to invite. This also does non include my fiance'south father's side.

My Futurity Mother-In-Police said that she will cover the cost of the actress people by taking out a loan. Evidently my fiance objected to this. She then suggested that nosotros downgrade our reception and just serve hor d'eauvres then that everyone can be included.

My problem is that I accept been with my fiance for eight years and I have attended numerous family parties with his relatives from his maternal side. Notwithstanding, I haven't really had a chance to get close to any of them since they normally ignored me. His uncle even said some derogatory things nigh me and does not even say hi to me at parties. I am therefore uninclined to include some of these people in my special day, but at the same fourth dimension i dont' want to upset my Futurity Mother in law. We told her we intended to invite some, the ones we accept practiced relationships with, but she continues to insist on having all of them.

Also, a destination wedding is out of the question. Help!!!

Mail service # 3

Member

296 posts

Helper bee

• missm
• xiii years ago

• Wedding: December 1969

This is a tricky one!  My hubby has a large extended family, so we drew the line at first cousins, which kept the list manageable for our very small wedding.  Unless you're limiting the list to immediate family but, it's hard to invite some and not others.  What does your Fiance think?

Postal service # four

Member

296 posts

Helper bee

• missm
• 13 years ago

• Wedding: December 1969

If you end up with your pocket-size wedding, would your Future Mother-in-law exist interested in throwing a more than breezy reception for the extended family?  We did this for our larger circumvolve of friends and it worked actually well.  We were able to reuse many decorations and put together a slide show of ceremony pictures.

Mail service # 5

Fellow member

1485 posts

Bumble bee

• suzanno
• thirteen years ago

• Wedding: July 2008

I 2d missm – your Time to come Mother-In-Police is quite welcome to have a 2d reception, or a squeamish open up house, and invite all her family unit that she would like to see.  Unless yous are asking her to pay for your wedding and reception, she doesn't get to determine the details.

Now, what you tin can't do is invite your uncles and aunts, just because there are merely a few of them, and not invited your FI's.  That would non be off-white.  But if yous desire to limit the guest list to firsthand family unit (mom and dad, grandparents, siblings and spouses) and very close friends only, that is your choice.

We had the same result merely in reverse – his family is very minor, mine very large (mom has 7 brothers and two sisters…).  Our original program was immediate family and close friends but.  My mom was quite sorry about that, and after talking with my dad she approached us and permit us know that she would actually love to be able to invite at least the aunts and uncles, and peradventure outset cousins, and that she and dad would of course be happy to pay for the unabridged reception either way.  Subsequently some discussion, we gave in – generally because she was and so dainty nigh it, and conspicuously respected our wishes – and partly because the offer of the money was not just a way to convince united states to let her take her manner – and also because my parents tin afford it (without a loan).  I'g sure that we would non have changed our minds if they either couldn't really beget information technology (which it sounds like your Futurity Female parent-In-Law can't) or if they were just trying to get their own way (which it sounds like your Future Female parent-In-Law is).

I would encourage you and your Fiance to decide, together, what you really want.  Then allow your Future Mother-In-Law know what you will exist doing.  And exist sure to tell her that you're sorry to disappoint her, merely that your minds are fabricated up.  And other than suggesting that perhaps she take a squeamish open up house at a later date and invite her family (which shouldn't require her to take out a loan) don't hash out it whatever further with her.

Post # six

Member

five posts

Newbee

• jplovesme
• 13 years ago

• Wedding: January 2011

I agree with suzanno and missm.  this is YOUR wedding ceremony — you lot s hould invite who YOU want, non what OTHERS want.   Especially if your fiance'southward extended family doesn't even treat yous well (after 8 years!).

The food is of import to y'all — y'all don't want o downgrade to hor d'eurvres unless you don't want to have a real reception or ane that makes you and your guests happy.  don't do it unless you plan on having the reception in the early afternoon and plan to end the affair by 6 so people tin can go home and eat a real meal.

 deplorable to sound and then annoyed, but I just think that this is YOUR day and that your family should be supportive no matter what.  I wasn't invited to a couple relatives' weddings, but I understood — because this day and age, weddings dont price what they used to.

 for me, we're keeping ours smaller and nosotros're sticking to it.  Been with my fiance for vii years, and my mom has come up to terms that we're non inviting extended family (and i have a huge family).  Just close family and friends.  50 – 75 max.  If my mom had it her way, i retrieve she'd invite 200-300 people. i think your Future Mother-In-Constabulary will come up effectually and she'll be happy she won't get into debt over it too.  And the rest of the family will get over it also.  I promise information technology works out!

Mail # seven

Member

62 posts

Worker bee

• WeddingKitty
• 13 years ago

This is a question of female parent control!

My fiance's mother AND father take like 10 siblings each, simply they are non all dandy, supportive people, according to him (I don't know them all). Nosotros did not draw the line according to familial relationships… we drew it according to Honey. Who was going to support us and love us and who was going to be there just to exist at that place, or be in that location with bad vibes or bad intentions? So we only invited a few of his aunts and uncles (and all of mine). His mom is upset but we just told her to tell her other siblings that she has no control over the hymeneals, it is very pocket-sized and she does not know anything about the guest list. And she is fine with that.

Allow your fiance handle information technology so she is non mad at you… and get that Mother-In-Constabulary under control!! haha

Mail # viii

Member

268 posts

Helper bee

• MissCamera
• 13 years ago

• Hymeneals: Baronial 2009

Nosotros're having a small nuptials too (max list is 70). My fiance and I are paying for evrything, and frankly I dont care if people are upset with me for non inviting them. You cant Ever please everyone. It's our 24-hour interval, I dont want people that i dont experience comfortable around or close to there to spoil it. They have up spaces of the important people I could invite. I invited my aunts and cousins because nosotros've e'er been close (all my aunts & mom were single mothers each raising 2 kids then they stuck together) merely my entire family unit totals about 20 people. I asked my fiance who he wanted to invite and he stated "my family is my mom and dad, my sisters, and my niece and nephew. menstruation." He's non inviting family he hasnt talked to in x years or tertiary cousins he's never met just because they're "family". The rest on the listing are our shut friends who take been there for us over the years. I detest when people (specially family) try to bully yous into doing what they think is right/standard. Do what you want. It's your wedding ceremony.

Our guest listing is perfect for u.s. and I deceit expect to say "I practise" in front of the people that mean the most to us! Information technology's sure to be an emotional mean solar day.

Mail # ix

Member

138 posts

Blushing bee

• anniebear
• xiii years ago

• Wedding: Baronial 2010

Thank you sooo much for your comments everyone!!

This makes me feel a lot more than relieved and confident nigh sticking to what We desire. I have been losing sleep over this whole dilemma becouse my Future Mother-In-Law is bullying u.s. into doing what she wants.

I understand that my fiance'southward mother's family unit is all very shut and she'd probably be embarassed in front of her siblings if they weren't invited to their own nephew's nuptials. But the fact of the matter is that nosotros desire to share this day with the people We LOVE, simply equally what WeddingKitty said. It shouldn't just be about people taking space, being there but to be at that place. And thanks to MissCamera for mentioning that these people will nigh likely spoil our day, as they have spoiled our moods many times in the past.

 I have been with this man for viii years and every time I go to their family unit gatherings, I only become ignored similar a piece of furniture. I even had a fiddling disharmonize with his uncle because I couldn't attend ane of the babies' baptisms and he lashed out on me almost information technology. I do non get along with these people at all, and I would be very uncomfortable to accept them there at my special day! The just reason why I was scared to exit them out is because of my FMIL'due south threats. Well, you guys are all correct, this is my solar day, I'm the one paying for it, and I do not desire to spend all this money only to end up feeling miserable when these people exercise something to spoil it.

 We have to talk to my Time to come Mother-in-law virtually this and tell her our final conclusion. Wish me luck!! (I'm still scared, merely I'll stick to my guns.)

Post # 10

Member

1530 posts

Bumble bee

• Jessie516
• 13 years ago

I'm in the same boat and had a similarly unhappy Future Mother in law. My finace and I are paying for everything, simply my Future Mother-In-Law freaked out when she realized the limits we had to put on the guest list.  And she wasn't upset almost family members, these were business associates and aquaintances!  My fiance suggested that they throw a reception/political party for us in their hometown afterwards the wedding where they could invite anyone they wanted. That seemed to make her happy.  Notwithstanding, I'm dreading when we actually go to the time when nosotros're sending out invitations and she tries to pull something else.

The bottom line is exactly like you said–you're paying for it and you become to make the final decisions!  Stick to your guns!

Post # 11

Member

ii posts

Wannabee

• mrsg529
• 13 years ago

I am the one in my situation with the large family… my dad is the 4th oldest of 16 kids, and my FH is one of vii, but with such a small extended family. We are just inviting the aunts and uncles from my dad's side (ie my dad'southward siblings and their spouses)– NO cousins, NO kids, etc. This is the full general understanding within my gargantuan family for all weddings.

I hope everything works out for yous!

Post # 12

Fellow member

11 posts

Newbee

• erinNYC
• 13 years agone

• Nuptials: November 2008

My family is huge — more than than 20 aunts & uncles plus more than than 35 get-go cousins who, with spouses and kids, really total more than Lxx! My fiance's family is smal, and none of his very few aunts or uncles could comel.

Our solution was to invite simply aunts and uncles on my side and explicate that while we'd like to invite everyone, our venue size (and our budget) simply didn't allow it, as much as we would love to have them. Kickoff cousins would be invited afterward aunts & uncles (and our must-invite friends) had had their chance to RSVP. I then issued a coating invite to cousins (a little unorthodox, but what are you going to do?) once I heard back from aunts & uncles. As it turns out, none of the cousins can come anyhow — it was a late invite and I live in NEw York, and they all live in the Midwest.  It'southward a bummer none of my cousins can make it, but I thought it was the most fair way to go. No 1 seemed upset, and we are going back to the midwest for a holiday party or reunion adjacent year.

One solution could be to pick a venue that just seats XX amount of people and explicate that'south all you can beget — and then even if someone WANTS to add 100 family members to the roster, they can't.

good luck!

Post # 13

Fellow member

xi posts

Newbee

• DCKate
• 13 years agone

• Wedding: October 2009

Elope. Or, have a "surprise" nuptials. Invite your closest friends and immediate family over for an "date party", then, when anybody is gathered, whip out the celebrant and start the processional! (my dad actually saw that happen once!)

in more applied terms, who is paying for the wedding? if you lot 2 are covering the whole thing yourselves, or if your parents are paying, so your Future Female parent-In-Constabulary doesn't actually accept much say. Your side gets 10 number of invites, and his side gets Y number of invites. Future Mother-in-law can dole out her portion of invites as she sees fit. It's the merely fair way to practise it.

Mail # xiv

Fellow member

ii posts

Wannabee

• skeeta25
• 13 years ago

Have a pocket-sized wedding now. Let Futurity Mother-In-Law pay for cocktail reception later

Post # 15

Member

seven posts

Newbee

• pinkstar
• 13 years agone

• Hymeneals: May 2009

Information technology's your special twenty-four hour period.  You and your fiance demand to do what volition make YOU happy and comfortable on such a day.  Y'all will be starting your life together, and from that moment on, all decisions are yours and yours alone, as a family.  Who makes y'all feel like family?  Who do you lot consider your family?  Your favorite people in the whole globe?

I am truly sorry that you lot are having to deal with such stress.  Weddings are stressful enough as they are, without others calculation to that stress.  Even if parents/relatives do extend financial assistance, does that give them the right to assume command of your 24-hour interval?  Or is it a gift?  This topic was also disruptive to my Fiance and I that nosotros just assumed all costs, to avert confusion… and it still upset certain people.

I agree:  you are not going to please everyone all of the time… on your wedding twenty-four hours, y'all should only worry about pleasing each other.

Sorry about the long comment, only I am feeling your pain here! Not with my Futurity Mother-in-law, simply with my own Mother… ugh.

Mail # 16

Member

138 posts

Blushing bee

• anniebear
• 13 years ago

• Nuptials: August 2010

Wow, pinkstar, at least you are having this conflict with your own mother who loves you and volition probably understand if you have a sit down heart-to-center with her nearly your vision for the wedding.

My mother had sided with my Hereafter Mother in law on the guest listing state of affairs and then I had to take my mother aside and tell her I had a vision for having a modest, private and solemn wedding, as opposed to a grandoise thing.

My mother wasn't content, just she respected our determination. My Future Mother-In-Law on the other mitt, is being such a bully. And the worst part of it all is, that the unabridged group of relatives of my FH's maternal side lives in the same urban center every bit us, so we encounter them very frequently!! I envy those of y'all who live far away from extended families who are non nice to you. I, unfortunately, have to alive close to them, so I meet them all the time. It is and then awkward though, because after seeing them three times a month for the past eight years, they still care for me similar a stranger or a piece of crappy furniture. Sorry to repeat myself, merely these are people who I don't reallly desire in my wedding day, specially if I take to pay for the entire thing.

We haven't had the talk with my Future Female parent-In-Law however. She is avoiding united states. She sent u.s. an email that she will order our invitations and pay for it herself. Sneaky! She is probably offering this so she tin can offset sending them out herself. So I emailed her back and said I've already made arrangements with another print visitor. She didn't reply. I recall this is going to get much worse towards our wedding mean solar day, simply as I said, I demand to stick to my guns. I cannot become above my budget for a bunch of people whom I don't like. I also don't desire to compromise my vision of how my nuptials day should be.

Thanks for your advice, erinNYC, I take found the perfect venue to host a very small group of 60 people. We'll see what my Future Mother-in-law will say to this. Thank you ladies! Skillful luck on all your planning!

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